Teenagers Need Parents

Point: Parents Provide Rules and Relationship


“Train up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old they will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22.6


When I had kids nobody specifically told me that I would also have to train them. But you do. It’s like getting a puppy. They are cute and cuddly, but cute and cuddly only go so far. Then you have teach them where to go potty and what they can and cannot chew on. This is what parents do for their kids. One of the best images of parenting also comes from the animal kingdom and the example of the Emperor Penguin. The female Emperor penguin lays an egg and transfers it to the male. The female goes to sea for weeks to feed and replenish. She’s exhausted. While she’s gone, the male Emperor penguin sits the egg on his feet and then just waits and watches. . .for weeks. He doesn’t eat. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t hang with the other penguins. He doesn’t watch tv. He just stands there warming this egg on his feet. Seemingly nothing happens. But he stays there. He’s a parent.

-Show clips of baby penguins first steps and battle scene from Braveheart

Parents must be patient and giving. Parents are called to protect and nurture their kids. Parents do this by providing rules in the context of relationship. Now, this maybe a little easier to do when our kids are in the cute and cuddly stage. But many teenagers don’t want to cuddle, at least not with their parents. So parenting teens looks less like papa penguin with baby penguin and more like an episode of Malcolm in the Middle. Even so, teenagers still need training. They need to be provided with rules in the context of nurturing relationship. Teenagers need parents to do this. They are not going to get what they need from parents anywhere else.

It’s difficult being a parent of a teenager today. Why is this so? Because it’s difficult being a teenager today.

“We have never been their age in this age.”

That awareness brings wisdom for us. We don’t know what it’s like to be a teenager in 2010. But we should also take some comfort knowing that as much as the technology and other things have changed, some things remain the same.

“Youth today love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, no respect for older people, and talk nonsense when they should be working. Young people do not stand up any longer when adults enter the room. They contradict their parents, talk too much in company, guzzle their food, lay their legs on the table and tyrannize their elders.” Socrates, 500 B.C.

Our contemporary response to teenagers has tended to be one of isolation and separation – they are their own separate exhibit in the human zoo. We created this thing called adolescence in which, at best, we encourage youth to have their own separate activities, music and entertainments. But adolescence is a no-man’s land between childhood and adulthood, particularly where boundaries and rules in the context of meaningful adult relationships are lacking. We send them away to youth retreat, youth camp, youth dances. There is nothing wrong with these activities. There is a lot right with them. But what is often missing are the activities where adults mentor kids in specific skills and interests. What is missing in our culture are rites of passage for youth into adulthood.

Other times and cultures stressed rites of passage much more. The Gospel Story of the young Jesus going to the Temple during the Passover festival without his parents is an example of a rite of passage. For the Jews of Jesus’ day, it was the law that every adult male that lived within fifteen miles of Jerusalem had to attend Passover. Also, a Jewish boy became a man when he turned twelve years old.

Let me say that again – a Jewish boy became a man at age twelve.

And when that happened the boy became a son of the law. This meant he took the obligations of the law upon himself. It was his responsibility, not his parents, to follow the law of God. So the twelve year old Jesus went to the Passover festival with his parents. They all went to the great Temple. But when his parents left, he lingered behind. Joseph and Mary were well on their way home before they realized their son was missing. And this is not that surprising. The people traveled as a caravan and the women traveled with the women and the men with men. And each parent probably assumed the boy was with other parent. But when they realize their mistake, they are alarmed and they go back to Jerusalem to look for their son. They find him still at the Temple where he is. . .

“sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking questions.” Luke 2.46

In other words, he is being a student. He is not dominating the conversation but he is learning from the teachers and engaging with them. And he is impressing them with his astute answers. His parents find him there and his mother says,

“Child, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been looking for you. We’ve been worried.” Verse 48

That sounds about right, doesn’t it? This is every mother’s response, which is not to be wondered at coming from the Blessed Mother. She points out to her son that he did something unexpected. He was supposed to be with them. Dare I say, he broke a rule. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking that the young Jesus was probably a pretty good kid. I’ve known parents who thought their kids walked on water, but hey, Mary’s kid really did. I don’t imagine Jesus had many timeouts in his life. And yet, still, there was this family with these parents and this nurturing relationship of boundaries, and life, and expectations to be met, all expressed in the mother’s heart-felt question, Why did you treat us this way?

Now listen to what Jesus says, which, by the way, are the first words of Jesus recorded in the Gospels:

“Why were you searching for me? Didn’t you know that I must be in my Father’s house?” Luke 2.49

I have been asked before when I thought Jesus first knew that He was the Son of God?
Here. This moment. His coming of age into a Jewish man corresponded to his coming to full awareness of being the Son of Man and Son of God. William Barclay notes that if it had happened to him as a baby or a young child he would have been a monstrosity. As a young man it came in a blazing realization, but it came gracefully and we must say, humbly.

Notice how gently Jesus uses the my Father with the capital F for the first time. He claims his identity without rejecting his earthly father and mother. This discovery of identity did not make him proud. Remember when the Beatles John, Paul, George, and Ringo, all barely out of adolescence, claimed to be bigger than God?

Well, the Son of God realizes, yeah, I really am God but. . .yes, mom, I’ll go feed the chickens and take out the garbage now. Here is the divine humility. Joseph and Mary didn’t quite understand it yet.

“He went down with them. . .and was obedient to them” verse 51

Our kids aren’t just like Jesus, yet. They have a lot of growing to do. So do we. It’s been said that, “The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you’re experienced – you’re unemployed.” We are all learning on the job, both teens and adults. We are going to make mistakes. Let’s give each other some grace. Rules are not the glue that holds relationships together. Love is the glue. Rules are tools. Rules are building blocks on the bridge that you are building with your teenager toward adulthood.

Our goal is not perfect teens or perfect parents – rather, our goal is nurturing relationships that use rules, boundaries, and rites of passage to help us all grow into what God desires us to be. With that in mind, what needs to change in your family? Does your family need more specific rules and boundaries? Do you need to make more time for rites of passage – like learning a new skill with your child or grandchild, going hunting together, or taking a special trip together?

We all know about God’s love for us. Do we expect to live in God’s house of love without any rules or responsibility? Are you a person that needs to start living into some rules and boundaries that God wants for you?